Not sure why I've been thinking more on this subject tonight than usual, but I know I haven't really said much in a while about how the feeding is going. Over the weeks we found our groove and what's worked best for us. We do 8 feedings each day with about 10 ounces of supplement throughout the day.
It's taken time for me to come to terms with how things have turned out. I keep thinking about how everything from labor and delivery to now has not gone according to plan. My plans have ended up going to the wayside. During L&D this didn't seem like a big deal. Sacrificing my plans to get Ada here safely were worth it because we got her here safely. However, having my breast feeding plans get thrown off has been harder to accept. Possibly because I'm reminded of it everyday.
As Ada gets older it's getting harder to stick with my plan. I feel like I've been stuck in a cycle of guilt. If I spend time pumping, I feel guilty that I'm not spending time with my family. If I spend time with the family, I feel guilty that I'm not pumping as much milk. There simply aren't enough hours in my day to do it all: work, take care of my home and family, enjoy all the little moments. Now throw on top of that trying to prepare for buying a house and moving.
In the end, there are a couple lessons I can take away from this experience. First is that seeking professional help is better done sooner than later (possibly the most important). With the next (which is a ways off still), I won't wait to call in the reinforcements. Especially after this experience. Second is accepting the balance that you achieve, whether it's your ideal balance or not. I'm trying to not beat myself up over only pumping 2 times a day (as opposed to 4 or more). I'm hoping once we introduce solid foods in another couple months the need to pump will become moot. This also includes accepting what my body is capable of in terms of production.
I keep taking life one day at a time. Lots of deep breaths and baby steps.
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